How To Lose Facebook Friends And Alienate People

Everybody thinks you can never have enough friends on Facebook. But there’s such a thing as excess!

Whether or not you’ve read How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, Toby Young’s memoir about getting fired from Vanity Fair — or seen the movie version of it that went straight to video, surely you’ll benefit from our sage advice on how to get people to unfriend you.

Lie As Often As Possible

Some people believe that our culture has a “crisis of believability,” but that’s not your problem! It’s so much more fun to spin fictitious yarns than to tell the truth, right? Go for it! Tell those tall tales as loudly as you can.

Always Brag About Yourself

Facebook might have over 675 million members, but you’re the most interesting person on the site. Surely everyone on the social network wants to read about you, you, you. And they just can’t get enough information about you. So don’t let any detail about yourself go untold. And if you ever see a conversation veering toward another topic, steer it right back toward the most important person in the whole wide world. Because you’re all that matters.

Insult People’s Status Updates And Wall Posts

No one else’s life is as cool as yours — and the same goes for their profiles, photos and so on. So whenever you run out of praise to post about yourself, that’s a good time to start pointing out what’s wrong with everyone else on your contact list.

Post Obnoxious Things On People’s Walls

Don’t just wait for others to post stupid things to put them down. We suggest you proactively write bad things about them on their walls. Don’t limit yourself to direct messages when you want to insult someone — do it as publicly as possible. Try to humiliate at least one other person whenever you post something on Facebook.

Tag People In The Most Unflattering Images

You don’t need to take someone’s picture in order to tag them in a photo. In fact, you don’t even need to show a human being in an image that you’re tagging. This opens up all sorts of possibilities for insults. And even though Facebook does have some guidelines about what kids of photos you can upload, there’s still plenty of room to include things that would degrade someone tagged in them. Use your imagination.

Start Fights

The only thing better than insulting other people is getting them into fights. While you could get into a flame war with them yourself, it’s much more entertaining to turn them against one another. Attribute an insult to someone else, and repeat.

Don’t Set Up Friend Lists

Without any friend lists, you don’t have the ability to keep secrets. And why should you? Everyone on the social network needs to know how great you are and how inferior all others are by comparison. Make sure all eyes see every single thing you post on the site.

What else do you recommend as a strategy for getting people to unfriend you? And how often do you see people engaging in the behaviors described here?

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